I
traveled north to beautiful Vieux
Quebec , Canada ,
for a vacation I yearned to take following a year of chemotherapeutic and
surgical treatment for cancer. As I readied myself for bed after a late evening
arrival, I discovered the unthinkable: I had forgotten to pack a tiny part that
connects a piece of medical equipment to the urine pouch attached to my body.
How would I get through the night without it?
I managed
to wake up every two hours to accomplish what the medical equipment would have
done for me automatically. I spent hours the next day trying to obtain the tiny
part. Canada and the United States
do not use compatible equipment, and I came close to using duct tape for the
project before finding a more amenable solution.
My
dilemma highlighted not only the need to check my packing list twice,
especially for international travel, but also my need to truly come to terms
with my literal and permanent nighttime tether to things external to my
physical self.
And so it
was that I came to ponder other tethers in my life.
I
reflected on the experience of being fettered to work. I was close to
retirement at that point and keenly felt the trussing of my freedom to my job.
The truss had several sets of ties: to the alarm clock and to pristine hygiene,
to work apparel and to make-up, to rush-hour traffic and to an unattractive
work environment. The fact that my job was well paying did not mitigate the
constraint; I felt like a songbird in a gilded cage, unable to sing where I
wanted to.
I turned
the prism and contemplated the tether of obligation to my mother when she was
alive. We lived in different cities and no matter how frequently I visited, she
invariably remarked, “You should come more often.” The burden is heavy when the
standard is never enough. But this tether dissolved with her death. Without the
harness of obligation I feel free to need her as my mother. From the Beyond she
helps me. Our spiritual bond is profound.
Another
turn of the prism illuminated my connection to my daughter. Contrary to the
proverbial apron strings, this tether is never cut. Nonetheless she is 28 and
happily married, and I have stepped back so that she can live her adult life as
she sees fit. The cord between us has thus lengthened and attenuated, and this
is as it should be in the natural course of the maternal-child relationship.
The last
turn of the prism refracted my relationship with my husband. During my
prolonged hospitalization after cancer surgery, I came to depend on him as
never before, and in the midst of the arduous recovery I discovered how much I
needed him. This newfound knowledge bloomed tenderly in my heart: I realized
that needing him arose from deep trust, itself a product of deep love. It is a
tie that binds, but one that is wholly welcome.
© Jean DiMotto, 2013 Website: www.jeandimotto.com
beautifully written
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